A Girl In A Bikini Is Like Having A Loaded Pistol On Your Coffee Table…

“A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table- there is nothing wrong with them, but it is hard to stop thinking about it.”- Garrisson Keillor

Bikini or Bust. That is how my last few weeks have been. Not even a bikini, just anything that would be appropriate for lounging on the beach or swimming up to a pool bar in Jamaica. ‘Cause that is where this chick will be in approximately thirteen days.

I understand that no one likes bathing suit shopping (at least not the average lady). It is brutal. We are pale, maybe even see-through from wearing parkas, scarves and fleece lined leggings during the eight month phenomenon known as an atlantic Canadian winter. Those fluorescent lights that exist only in malls are also a problem. They have probably been put there to encourage people to spend money on fat-burning pills at GNC, vigorous gliding on an ellipticals and intermittant crying into morning coffees. I swear, they even my fingers look lumpy…it’s marketing magic. I would bet Don Draper came up with it himself.

All of that said, I have a problem and it is a little north of the boarder. I am chesty, a little too chesty, especially when it comes to bathing suits. I tallied it up today; grand total of bathing suits tried on in two weeks- forty-nine. To break that down mathematically, of the said forty-nine suits, exactly forty turned out to be glorified nipple covers (as in little to no coverage and probably illegal in at least ten states…). Three, I had no words to describe and one was a beauty that fit like a dream but the top alone was over two hundred dollars. It had this budget-savvy-diva seeing dollar signs flinging here there and everywhere (feuw-feuw-feuw..the sound they were making as they whizzed by me). Bikinis, tank-inis and even the one-pieces were no-goes, they fit everywhere but the bust. Sets were just as bad. If the bottoms fit, the tops looked like dental floss or yarn (which is obviously both very flattering and supportive, not to mention dead sexy..). If the top fit (which lets face it, it didn’t really) then the bottoms could have been used as a parachute if the plane unexpectedly crashed (safety first!) on the flight down. Sigh..

After hours of working the bikini-beat and after ingesting an entire crop of coffee beans, I settled. Yes, settled for a top I already owned but never loved. It fits enough to cover the danger zones and some mix and match bottoms should suffice. They had the top in six colors- obviously only two came in my size. Neon orange and white, nothing like attracting extra attention to an already attention grabbing area right? Double sigh..

So, here are some tips.

1) Don’t beat yourself up, there is always gonna be someone who looks worse than you (ha!)
2) Don’t get frustrated…hard but important.
3) If the lighting is terrible- wear your sunglasses and remember that natural light is always the best light.
4) Remember that bathing suits tend to run a little smaller then regualr clothing so sizing up is not a shameful, it is flattering
5) More coverage can add extra fabric that can exagerate problem areas you are trying to hide.
6) Tequila (otional) may help things along
7) …and finally give yourself lots of time, you don’t want to settle if you don’t have to.

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